Why is Adult Friendship so Hard? The Top 5 Ways that ADHD Gets in the Way
(and what to do about them all)
Making, keeping and deepening friendships as an adult with ADHD is extra tricky business. Issues like rejection sensitivity, social anxiety, struggles with object permanence and the logistical issues of maintaining communication, sensory overload and masking all combine to make each step of the friendship creation continuum particularly challenging. Read on to learn why and what to do if any of these common ADHD hurdles are getting in your bestie-generating way!
We all know how important friendship is. Not only is life more fun when we have a friend along for the ride, but friendship has been found over and over to have a huge positive impact on:
our mental health (1)
well-being(1)
self-esteem (2)
physical health. (3, 4)
Heck, research even suggests that friendship can help diminish the impact of ADHD symptoms! (5)
But when you have an ADHD brain, making, developing, and maintaining friendships can be a huge challenge. And not because people with ADHD brains don’t make great friends- they do! In fact, ADHD brains are some of the most compassionate, thoughtful, fun, funny, and engaging friends around!
But there are several (okay- more than several- 5, in fact) brain-based ways that ADHD gets in the way of friendship. So, let's dive in and figure out what the heck is going on so we can tackle what to do about it!
How ADHD impacts adult friendships:
1. Rejection Sensitivity, Social Anxiety, and ADHD: Dual Friend-Making Hurdles
Social Anxiety
If the mere thought of making new friends makes your stomach turn, you’re not alone.
Quite a few studies have shown a strong link between ADHD and heightened social anxiety. In fact, a National Comorbidity Study (let’s just acknowledge the dreadfulness of the term “comorbidity” right here and now) in the US showed that 30% of adults with ADHD also have social anxiety.
There are likely a lot of excellent reasons for this link. The first is history: one way of thinking about ADHD is a neurodevelopmental delay- which means that for a lot of us, we were a couple of years behind our peers on things like managing impulses, reading social cues, and attuning to others. And, of course, we all know what that looks like on the playground- right? It’s a surefire recipe for exclusion, teasing, and downright bullying.
So, many of us have a history of socializing being complex, but even when our brains “catch up,” it’s still hard, right- we’ve got hypersensitive brains that are always on the lookout for rejection, are often overstimulated, and they frequently feel like they’re under attack.
The whole thing is a recipe for social anxiety, fear, and a big ‘ole knot in your stomach the minute friend-making/friend-enjoying time rolls around!
Rejection Sensitivity
Rejection sensitivity- the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad companion of ADHD brains- is like having a heat-seeking missile for rejection constantly in search of a target living deep in your brain. It means we're more sensitive to the possibility of being rejected or criticized by others. Even the smallest perceived slight feels like a dagger straight to the heart. It might seem irrational to others, but it's very real for us.
This hypersensitivity, much like social anxiety, can make it challenging to put ourselves out there and make new connections. We might worry excessively about being judged or not fitting in, which can lead to avoiding social interaction altogether. It's like a constant battle between our desire for connection and our fear of rejection.
But that’s not all; rejection sensitivity can make us look at neutral, innocuous, or ambiguous interactions, see rejection, and then respond with either anger, withdrawal, or rejection ourselves. So we read our friend’s funny look, meaning that she thinks we are so weird, and lash out. We can get through one or two of these misunderstandings, but when it happens over and over, they can really get in the way of a friendship.
What to do if social anxiety or rejection sensitivity is keeping you and your ADHD brain in a corner?
Making friends is hard enough; you don’t need social anxiety and rejection sensitivity cramping your style further! The good news is that there are some great medications and therapies that do a great job targeting them both, including ADHD-informed emotion regulation training, mindfulness-based stress reduction, acceptance and commitment therapy, CBT, and even virtual reality exposure therapy. Ready to kick this ADHD frenemie to the curb? Find a therapist experienced in both ADHD and anxiety, or book a call with us at Rittenhouse Psychological Services to talk about how ADHD-informed psychotherapy can help.
2. Object Permanence, Friendship, and the Fishbowl Effect of ADHD.
I often describe living with an ADHD brain as being like living with your head inside a fishbowl. ADHD brains are super, often overwhelmingly, aware of everything swimming around inside that bowl, but the minute something is plucked out of that bowl?
It disappears.
It's why the meds get forgotten the minute they’re put in the drawer; the appointment is missed when it lives on your calendar without an alarm, and, yes, it’s why you can go months and months without thinking about your friend if nothing prompts you to.
It’s not that you don’t love them. It’s not that you’re not interested in them, but the minute your friend leaves your kitchen table or walks out of the bar after the game, they are plucked from your fishbowl, and your brain loses track of them, making it pretty darn hard to do all the things your heart wants to do- call to check in, wish them a happy birthday or just make a plan to hang out.
So what do we do when friends get plucked out of our fishbowls?
We need to find ways of plucking them back in by creating triggers or rituals that give our friends the reoccurring roles in our consciousness they deserve. How do we do that? read on to the next section 👇🏼 for specific ADHD-friendly strategies for maintaining friendships.
3. Unanswered Messages of all kinds: the Bain of ADHD friendships
This one follows close on the heels of fishbowl brains. The text message comes through, but before you get a chance to respond, another message, task, chore, person, or squirrel runs through, grabs your attention, and off you go, leaving that message to go stale on its own. Only to be followed by the second one 2 weeks later: “hey stranger…”
Now, that second (or 3rd or 4th) one may only be meant as a lighthearted reminder. But for most ADHD brains, it hits with an added wallop of shame and guilt. And shame and guilt? They are crazy uncomfortable. So what do we do? Avoid, of course! We flip over to another app, task, or text thread to distract us from the gnawing in our stomach that tells us we are the worst friend ever…
What’s happening here?
It’s a cascade of ADHD brain (and just plain old brain) peccadillos. The many tracks of ADHD that have us tracking 20 different things at once, combined with our constantly multi-demand world of technology, distract us from the initial prompt for our attention. Then, because that friend isn’t swimming in our fishbowl, it doesn’t circle back until they follow up, which hits us with a wall of shame and we avoid. And the cycle continues, getting worse and worse as time goes on.
This pattern is particularly strong for the friends and loved ones that don’t show up in our lives regularly- the ones that have moved away or just have lives that don’t overlap that often- because there isn’t anything other than that reminder message to prompt our brains to think of them again again.
What do you do when fishbowls and shame mountains get in the way of keeping friends?
So, our friends have been plucked out of our fishbowls- what do we do? We need to build ways of plunking them back in.
There are 2 ways of plunking a friend back into the fishbowl of your awareness: prompts or routines for communication or recurring meetups.
Communication Routines:
Having a regular time when you check in with friends and loved ones can be a great way of making sure they keep swimming in your awareness. As always, when you set up a routine you want to think about the action (call/text/email etc), the stack (what thing is already happening (morning coffee, ride into work etc) and then prompt (alarm/ note that reminds you). For more on these fundamental components of ADHD-friendly routines- check out this post here.
When you put that all together, you have a regular routine of calling your best friend every Sunday on the way home from the grocery store or daily chat with your mom on the way to work each day.
Recurring Meetups
Some relationships are talkers, and some are doers. For those people you want to make sure you see in person, it can be useful to set up regular meet-ups. This could be a weekly walk with your bestie, a monthly lunch with your friend from high school, or maybe it’s an annual guys ski trip. Regardless of the frequency, making sure the next one is set up before the last one ends, is an essential ingrediant to showing up and getting those connection moments in.
Special note for unanswered texts:
If unanswered text messages are a particular problem, marking them as unread unless you respond and then having a daily or weekly routine for communication can help (i.e., respond to all text messages while having your morning coffee)
Whatever the system is, share it with your friend or loved one. Let them know that you are never far from your heart, even if they are sometimes far from your brain, and tell them how much you want to make sure you guys spend time together. Filling them in can not only build in some accountability but also mean that you are showing up in the relationship authentically to be loved and known as your true, fabulous self.
4. Masking
It can be really tempting, sometimes useful, and often unconscious, to mask our ADHD in relationships.
The neurotypical norm of our world tells us all the neurotypical ways of being are right and good. So, we try to fit in, avoid negative reactions, and protect ourselves from others' judgment by covering over, hiding, or otherwise masking the ways that our ADHD brains make us different.
It’s normal and occasionally even necessary (i.e., forcing yourself to sit still in the annual review meeting with the board), but it’s also exhausting, isolating, and can hurt our relationships.
Friendships are built on knowing and seeing each other. And while that happens gradually over time, eventually, it can start to block friendships from developing when we don’t show up as our whole and complete selves (missed text messages and all), causing us to have a bunch of casual friends but no one who gets our complete package.
What to do if Masking is relegating your friendships to the Casual lane.
If you notice that your friendships aren’t reaching the depth you want and you have many people you can call to grab a beer with, but there is no one to call when you’re facing down the wall of awful and feel like the worst person on the planet; it’s time to start stepping just a little outside your comfort zone and showing yourself- ADHD warts and all.
I often recommend people start this sharing process by dropping in comments about “the way my brain works.” You don’t have to throw a label out (though by all means, do, if it works for you), but sharing the things you know about yourself verbally can open the door for you to show up as your more true and total self.
So, for example, if at the end of a hang-out with a friend, you say- the way my brain works, I’m likely to forget to respond to a text message, so can we schedule a time to hang out again now? When you get that “hey, stranger” text from them 3 weeks from now, you can shrug off that mountain of shame and respond with a 🤦🏼♀️ knowing that they now will get it a bit more.
5. It’s all too much! Overstimulation and its role in ADHD Friendships.
ADHD brains have a filterless processing style. Which means that they don’t have a big burly bouncer at their door, keeping all the unnecessary things out. Everything hits the ADHD brain- all the sounds, all the thoughts, all the noises, and all the sensations.
All this stimulation can also deplete our systems, leaving us drained and depleted at the end of the day (a time often reserved for friends and loved ones), making us more irritable or just too tired to connect.
Not only this, but a lot of places that tend to be the meeting ground of relationships- bars, parties, clubs, concerts, and restaurants can be highly challenging for our brains. We are trying to pay attention to and be with our friends and everything they have to say, but in these situations we also have to weed through the onslaught of noises, sights, smells and other sensations that abound in such alarming intensity there.
What to do if Overstimulation is getting in the way of your relationships:
If you find yourself drained at the end of the day, with nothing left to give the relationships that matter most, it’s probably time to look at finding ways to decrease the stimulation that abounds throughout your day. Check out this post, Sensory Overload and ADHD, for suggestions for dealing with overstimulation in your day-to-day.
If you struggle to connect amid the many overstimulating environments where friendships often live, then it’s time to have the “the way my brain works” talk with your friend I talked about above. Helping them understand that you want to connect with them but that so many of those settings leave you feeling like you’re swimming upstream to do so, can help you guys come up with some other ways of being together. Maybe it’s coffee at a cozy shop around the corner, nature walks, or just dinner over takeout at your house. Whatever it is, if your brain is less stimulated, you can connect and give all of your fantastic friendship energy.
Embracing All that You (and your ADHD Brain) Bring.
When something gets in our way or complicates things, it’s easy to feel like those things- those hurdles- are all bad (or worse- that WE are all bad).
But you and your brain bring some fantastic things to your friendships and relationships. ADHD brains so often have creativity, enthusiasm, warmth, and intensity that can inject much-needed energy into relationships. Want to know my favorite things about some of the ADHD brains in my life? Check it out here.
It may sound a bit cheesy, but it’s true- but it’s not just your brain- it’s strengths and vulnerabilities- that you bring; it’s all of you. All of the unique, quirky, annoying, wonderful, memorable, and everyday things that make you who you are, add to your friendships, and fill the lives of those around you.
The more you can unmask and set up systems and strategies to help you bring that whole self to your friendships and relationships, the stronger they will be.
What are the ways you notice your ADHD impacting your friendships? What ingenious strategies have you crafted to make the friend, set up the hangout, and show up that work best in your life?
Sources:
Rubin, M. and Kelly, B. (2015). A cross-sectional investigation of parenting style and friendship as mediators of the relation between social class and mental health in a university community. International Journal for Equity in Health, 14(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12939-015-0227-2Berndt, T. (2002). Friendship quality and social development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 11(1), 7-10. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00157Klaiber, P., Whillans, A. V., & Chen, F. S. (2018). Long‐term health implications of students’ friendship formation during the transition to university. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 10(2), 290-308. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12131Ríos-González, O., Ramis, M., Axt, J. C. P., & Racionero-Plaza, S. (2021). Alternative friendships to improve men’s health status. The impact of the new alternative masculinities’ approach. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(4), 2188. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18042188Khalis, A., Mikami, A., & Hudec, K. (2017). Positive peer relationships facilitate adjustment in the transition to university for emerging adults with ADHD symptoms. Emerging Adulthood, 6(4), 243-254. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167696817722471Kessler RC, Merikangas KR. The National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R): background and aims. Int J Methods Psychiatr Res. 2004;13(2):60-8. doi: 10.1002/mpr.166. PMID: 15297904; PMCID: PMC6878416.Segool, N. K. and Carlson, J. S. (2008). Efficacy of cognitive-behavioral and pharmacological treatments for children with social anxiety. Depression and Anxiety, 25(7), 620-631. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.20410
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