Cool, Calm, But Not Always Collected:

How to Deal with Anger with an ADHD Brain

Your kids “borrow” the one and only charger that charges your now about-to-die phone.

A sleek sportscar slips in and grabs the parking spot you’ve been (not so patiently) waiting for for the past 5 minutes

Your partner misunderstands your intentions… again.

There are endless things that get our goad.  Endless reasons that our blood starts to boil and our anger heats up.  And when we have an ADHD brain, one that’s hypersensitive to injustice and overstimulation, we are more likely to feel angry more often and more intensely.  (Wondering why?  Check out part 1 in this series)

So how in the world do we manage all the blood-boiling feels?!?

The 3 Best Ways to Manage Anger

Anger itself isn’t a bad thing.  In fact, anger is a very useful and adaptive emotion.  We get angry when our boundaries have been crossed- when something or someone has done something that could harm us in some way.

So anger is a signal of something crucial to our survival- something that we need to attend to.

The issue with anger isn’t that we feel it. (That may be uncomfortable but it’s still not a problem)  It’s how we react when we feel it.

It’s the flare- the explosion- that causes problems in our lives.   

So, how do we manage our flares?

Well, that all depends on when you catch it- before you flare, during the flare, or after.

Managing Anger Before the Flare:

I know, the idea of planning or prepping for your anger is like planning for a root canal- not only is it not very ADHD-friendly, but who wants to spend time thinking or planning for such an uncomfortable feeling? 

But hear me out. 

Because a little prep work at the outset here can help you sidestep numerous spots where your anger could otherwise take over.

• Know your triggers: Does your mother-in-law's give subtle jabs every holiday make you want to scream, or does rush hour make your hair stand on end? Think about the times you get angry- what are the common threads? These are your triggers. Once you know them, you can start to head them off at the pass.

• Manage your stimulation- You're going to be much more likely to tip the scales over into anger if your system has already been flooded with too much stimulation. Manage that overstimulation and lower your nervous system response to give your brain a better chance of responding rationally at the moment.

• Set your boundaries- Because anger is a response to a threat, one of our biggest triggers are people crossing our boundaries- either emotional or physical. Understanding what your boundaries are and then expressing them ahead of time can help people not cross them.

• Exercise- One of the reasons the ADHD brain struggles with anger is its struggles with regulation. Exercise helps balance these regulatory issues by flooding it with the 3 happy horsemen of happy brains: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Give your brain the best chance of modulating the anger that comes its way by working up a sweat.

• Sleep- Nothing spells anger, quite like a tired brain. When we don't get enough sleep, our brains are flooded by cortisol. Cortisol primes the brain to interpret everything around us as a threat, not allowing us to think through situations with our full rational brain. A full night's sleep fuels our brains and turns off this cortisol to allow us to process information as we best can.  Check this post out on how to quiet your brain and get to sleep.

In the moment:  Managing Anger During a Flare:

When you're in the grips of anger,  when it’s all you can think about, all you can see and you feel the rage boiling inside your body- it means that the hulk of our brain has taken control.  Our parasympathetic nervous system has been activated and we no longer have access to our rational, thinking brain.

So how are we supposed to respond when we catch ourselves in the middle of this take-no-prisoners kind of reaction?

Because we can’t rationalize our way through situations from this place, our best option is to 

Get Some Space

Getting space means that we separate from the situation that’s upsetting us- maybe we go for a walk or just excuse ourselves to the bathroom- but whatever we do, we remove ourselves from the situation and the people that are causing the reaction.  This assures you don't hurt anyone (or anything) around you while you allow your emotions to pass through and your system calms down.

How do you do that?

I like the STOPP acronym to help remind us of the things we need most at the moment:

• Space: Take space (both physical and time) from the situation that is creating the anger

• Take a breath: Or two, or three (or 153) - slow, deep breaths calm down your body's response.

• Observe: What is going on in your body and around you? Remind yourself that you are safe.

• Perspective: Now that your body is calm and you are reminded that you are okay, can you gain perspective on what triggered your anger? What might have caused that person or thing to act that way or say the thing that upset you? What are the larger factors at play?

• Proceed: Now that you have some perspective- how can you move forward? What actions can you take that will work to resolve the situation?

For those times we couldn’t catch it:  Managing Anger After an Outburst:

Did you miss the triggers and couldn't get yourself to walk away? That's okay- it happens to everyone. You can still make things better-

1. Clean up and clean out: First, did you make a mess in your anger? Throw a plate, toss the laundry, punch a wall? If so- clean up the mess and repair the broken pieces. Don't make yourself or your loved ones face the reminder of the blow-up again. 

Once the physical clean-up is complete, understand for yourself- why did this happen? What was amiss that led to this? Were you overstimulated? Overtired? Have you been meeting your self-care needs? Do you need to assert new or different boundaries?

2. Apologize: Now that you understand why and you’ve picked up the physical pieces. It's time to pick up the emotional pieces. A sincere apology that takes responsibility for actions is a rare gift you can offer the world. And it’s the beginning of healing. Every good apology has 4 parts:

1. Expression of regret: I’m sorry

2. Acceptance of responsibility:  I was wrong/ I shouldn’t have done that

3. Clear understanding of how your actions impacted the other person: It must have been… when I…

4. Offer to repair: How can I make it better?

3. Forgive: For the secondary emotion of anger to flare, you had to find blame first. Can you forgive that person for whatever they did? Yes? Great. Now, the next step is forgiving yourself. You blew up. You didn't sidestep your anger, and you might have caused some damage. But you know what? You're not alone. We've all done it- absolutely every. single. one. of. us. And with a good plan, a sincere apology, and a direct path forward, you can be stronger for it.

What are your best strategies for handling anger? What makes you and your brain mad?

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meltdown to mastery?

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