Aug 7

Written By Marcy Caldwell

Lost in Translation:

The Impact of ADHD on Listening in Relationships

“Hey, babe- Joey has tennis at 5:30 tonight. Can you pick him up and grab some milk on your way home, please?”

Mmhmm.

…. 15 minutes later….

“What’s going on tonight? When are the kids home? ”

Sound familiar?!?

Yup. It’s the sound of just one of the many listening issues that can come up when your partner has an ADHD brain, and it can take a huge toll on relationships, leading to:

Practical problems
Diminished intimacy
Frustration
Burnout
Loneliness

So if you’re feeling unheard, unseen, and unlistened to– you’re not alone. And there are some powerful strategies you and your partner can enact to give you the benefit of the full light of their attention more often. So, read on, dear unheard one…

Why doesn’t my ADHD partner listen to me?

*This post is about what happens to make a non-ADHD partner feel unheard or unlistened to. But ADHD partners also feel unheard and unlistened too, often for different reasons. That’s a whole other post (and one I’ll do shortly), but important to note here, too.

Most of the time (though obviously not all), when your partner doesn’t switch the laundry like you asked or has to ask you 10 times what time your kid’s soccer tournament starts, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s usually not even because they weren’t trying to listen. It’s, instead, about the way ADHD brains process information in conversation that gets in their way.

So let's dig in and see what’s going on.

Hearing someone say something, remember it, and then act on it is a process with multiple steps along the way. And ADHD brains have the potential to miss or lose information at each one of those steps because of these struggles their brains are prone to:

Distraction
Interrupting
Auditory Processing Issues
Working memory Issues
Object Impermanence

Inattention with ADHD

Ok. So we all know that Inattention is one of the core experiences of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) brains- it’s a busy brain. The ADHD brain doesn’t filter information coming in, so it’s processing ALL the things. It’s like the ADHD brain has 20 TVs on at the same time, all playing different channels.

And us partners? We’re just one more channel. Sometimes we’re a really compelling channel, and our beloved ADHD partners can play ours louder than any other. But other times? Particularly when we’re asking them to pick their socks up off the counter. Well, then our volume’s not super loud.

This means that the ADHD brain often just doesn’t hear us. The information never really reaches their brain because too many other things compete for its attention.

Interrupting

You're in the middle of sharing a funny story about the time you accidentally locked yourself out of your house wearing nothing but a towel. You have everyone’s attention; people are smiling, laughing, and enraptured. And suddenly, your partner jumps in with their own story and completely changes the topic.

The conversation moves on. But you’re left feeling deflated, ignored, and maybe even a little bit invisible.

But here's the thing: it's not that your partner doesn't care about what you're saying or intentionally trying to cut you off. It's actually more likely that what you were talking about excited your partner, and it sent their ideas flying, and then their brain, enraptured in this new excitement, barrelled through your story.

Regardless, though, that interrupting can hurt. It can also mean that the information you were trying to convey might not actually make it into their ears and then into their brain. Missed info spot #2.

Auditory Processing with ADHD

But that’s not the only thing, right? Sometimes our partners really seem to be listening, and they’re sitting on their hands, holding back their interruptions, but they still seem not to process what we’re saying.

What’s that about?

Sometimes it’s an issue with auditory processing.

Research suggests that between 30 to 50 of people with ADHD1,2 also have auditory processing disorder (APD). This can make it hard to interpret what you’re hearing correctly, therefore making it hard to follow conversations, listen to music, or remember spoken instructions. It’s not that people with APD don’t understand what words mean; it’s not even that they have a hard time hearing them that the cognitive processing needed to interpret the information gets confused or overwhelmed, causing people to miss or misunderstand information.

Working Memory and ADHD

Even once the information has been heard and heard accurately, it then needs to be held onto long enough to file it away so we can access it again later.

That’s where working memory comes in.

Our working memory is where we hold information that we need to process later. Sometimes I like to think of this as the table that holds all the items we are going to put away. Everyone is granted a table at birth. We all have the ability to hold onto information actively.

But not everyone’s table is the same size. Some people have a banquet-sized table, able to hold piles and piles of things all at the same time. Others are granted more of a bistro table- you know- the ones suited for a micro espresso and croissant and absolutely nothing else?

And I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that ADHD brains are much more likely to have bistro tables. So they don’t have as much space to hold onto things and play around with them to get them into storage.

And not only that, but because ADHD brains tend to be filterless, they have a whole lot more things cluttering up that little bistro table. Which means all that great new information you’re handing your partner’s brain?

Well, it’s got a lot of competition for that tiny little space, and something’s going to topple off the table.

Object permanence with ADHD

So your amazing partner with the quirky but equally amazing brain of their’s manages to not only pay attention to your request that they grab the dry cleaning on the way home, inhibit their impulse to interrupt you as you said it, process the information correctly AND hold that request on their bistro table of a working memory long enough to file it away into storage to be remembered when they need to.

So we’re good- right?!?

Nope!

There’s one more step to this whole process. Now they have to pull that information up not once they get home and you ask where your favorite sweater is. But as they are leaving work before they pass the exit for the dry cleaner!

And here’s the really tricky thing about that. There is nothing there to cue their brain to pull that information up. There’s no note or sign, or indication. There’s nothing. Nothing until they get home and your disappointed, frustrated face tells them everything they needed to know and remember oh so long ago.

It’s a matter of object permanence. ADHD brains tend to be hyperaware of everything that exists in their sphere of awareness (or their fishbowl, as I like to call it). But the moment something leaves that sphere, it disappears completely. This is the grown-up version of object permanence and something I talk a lot more about here.

This fishbowl brain can’t cue up information just because it’s important. It needs to be compelled to and there’s little around it to compel it to remember things until it’s often too late.

Unraveling the Impact: How ADHD Impacts Communication in Relationships

** Partnerships come in all shapes and sizes, and while I often talk about an ADHD partner and a non-ADHD partner, these are really more roles that we play rather than set identities. Often in relationships between 2 ADHD brains, one will take the ADHD role, and one will take the non-ADHD role. Sometimes in heterosexual relationships with a woman with ADHD and a man without ADHD, the woman can still take the non-ADHD role because of societal norms and pressures.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. That sounds hyperbolic- but really, it is. Communication is how we know each other. It’s how we connect, how we support, how we care, and it’s the foundation of our love. But it’s not only that. It’s also the basis of our day-to-day. It’s how we communicate what we need, how we can help, and where we’re supposed to be on any given day. So what happens when we struggle to listen or hear or understand?

Let's dive into the choppy waters of the impact this can have on relationships.

Feeling Unheard and Dismissed:

When one partner consistently struggles to listen, it can leave their partner feeling unheard and dismissed. It's disheartening to pour your heart out, share important thoughts, or even just your grocery list and have them seemingly fall on deaf ears. Over time, this pattern can erode trust and emotional connection, leaving the partners feeling isolated and undervalued.

Frustration and Resentment:

The inability to communicate effectively due to listening difficulties can lead to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Non-ADHD Partners may find themselves repeating their words, growing increasingly exasperated as their messages go unheard. Meanwhile, the ADHD partner may feel overwhelmed or frustrated by their own challenges in processing information and by their partner's frustration with them, creating a cycle of mutual frustration that strains the relationship.

Missed Opportunities for Connection:

When one partner struggles to listen, it can result in missed opportunities for genuine connection and understanding. Conversations become one-sided, with the non-ADHD partner feeling like they are constantly talking to a wall. The sense of shared experiences and emotional intimacy can diminish, leaving both partners longing for a deeper connection that seems just out of reach.

Building Walls Instead of Bridges:

The lack of active listening can build emotional walls within the relationship. The non-ADHD partner may hesitate to share their thoughts or emotions, fearing they won't be acknowledged or validated. In turn, the ADHD partner may feel disconnected or unaware of their non-ADHD partner's needs, further widening the divide between them. Over time, these walls can create a sense of emotional distance and hinder the growth of the relationship.

Navigating the Waves of Miscommunication: Strategies for ADHD Couples

Ok, so we know that keeping the lines of communication open and flowing smoothly feels like an adventure in itself (like life didn’t already have enough adventure built in!). But fear not because some ADHD-friendly strategies can help you both navigate the wonderful world of communication together. Get ready to level up your connection game with these tips and strategies that will have you both feel heard, understood, and closer than ever before. Let's dive right in, shall we?

8 Communication Strategies for Thriving ADHD Couples

1. Teamwork Makes the Dream Work: Approach communication as a team effort and embrace a playful and supportive mindset. Try to do the hard thing of putting aside (for a moment) your resentment and frustration and try something new. You're a team, and by putting your 2 awesome brains together, you can find a way through this that works for you both.

2. Set weekly Relationship Roundtables (or whatever your ingenious minds want to call them) Creating a special weekly tradition for ADHD couples to discuss logistics and important matters can be one of the single most useful strategies for improving communication and connection! Think of it as your very own "Relationship Strategy Time," where you come together to tackle the practical stuff with a touch of love and attention. Schedule a regular date and make it enjoyable by adding some snacks, cozy blankets, or even a game to play while you discuss. But be mindful of the setting and time.

Try to do this at a time when both partners’ resources are high, and distractions are low to give everyone the best chance of success. This dedicated time allows you to navigate through the nitty-gritty details of life in a structured and supportive way. By setting aside this special time, you'll be able to address tasks, make plans, and handle challenges together, outside of the moment, in a way that feels partnered and supportive. Plus, it's a great opportunity to strengthen your connection and reinforce your commitment to working together as a team. So, grab your partner, set a date, and get ready for some relationship magic during your weekly logistics rendezvous!

3. The Power of Active Listening: One of the easiest ways to get heard and feel connected is to listen and connect ourselves. Show your partner some love by practicing active listening. Give them your full attention, nod, and smile to let them know you're engaged and offer encouraging words to show you're genuinely interested in what they have to say, then reflect back on what they’ve said, asking clarifying questions to understand further. It can feel a bit cumbersome and awkward at first, but it’s amazing the power that active listening can offer in opening up communication on both ends.

4. Keep it Simple, Keep it Fun: Break down complex information into bite-sized chunks to make it more digestible for both of you. Get creative and use colorful visuals, doodles, or even funny analogies to make the conversation lively and enjoyable. Whenever possible, have external visual aids- signs, reminders, and cues strategically placed to trigger that fishbowl brain into action!

5. Let's Make Some Ground Rules: Set some ground rules for communication that reflect your unique needs and preferences as a couple. Maybe you have a secret handshake to signal when you need a moment to gather your thoughts, or perhaps you agree to take turns being the "official listener" during important discussions. Maybe you only discuss certain topics in certain places at certain times, and so you designate the problem-solving corner or reflection couch. Find what works best for you, and sprinkle a little fun into the mix.

6. Embrace Technology, Hello Efficiency: Harness the power of technology to simplify your communication. This goes a long way to help everything from the auditory processing to the working memory bistro table to the fishbowl brain. Taking much of the work out of the communication camp and putting it firmly in the outside resources camp. From shared to-do lists to shared calendars to fancy gamified chore charts, there's a world of possibilities to add a touch of fun and efficiency to your conversations. Embrace the digital realm and make it your own!

7. Dance to Your Own Beat: Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to communication. Embrace your individuality and celebrate your unique quirks. Find your rhythm, whether it's through handwritten love notes, voice messages, or spontaneous dance parties to lighten the mood, but do what’s integral to you and your relationship, keeping your own spark and your own personality.

8. Love, Laughter, and Learning: Above all, let love, laughter, and learning guide your communication journey. Embrace the joy of discovering new ways to connect and understand each other. Celebrate your victories, laugh at the little miscommunications, and always approach each conversation with an open heart and a smile.

Q&A:

A: Yes!... And No! The relationships you might be struggling with right now may feel overwhelming and insurmountable, and while relationships with ADHD brains can present unique challenges, it's important to remember that with understanding, support, and effective strategies, these problems can be managed and even overcome. ADHD relationships can thrive when both partners work together, communicate openly, and seek solutions that cater to their specific needs. By learning about ADHD, exploring techniques for improved communication and organization, and seeking professional help if needed, couples can navigate the challenges and build strong, fulfilling relationships. But, it's not about "fixing" ADHD, but rather finding ways to adapt and support each other on this journey. With love, patience, and a positive mindset, ADHD relationships can absolutely flourish.
A: Non-ADHD partner burnout is a real thing. It’s the feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm that some non-ADHD partners feel as the result of feeling like they have to over-function all the time. If you are feeling some of that non-ADHD partner burnout, it’s essential to communicate openly but constructively with your partner and discuss how their behavior is affecting you and your relationship. Gaining support from a support group or therapist who understands the impact of ADHD on relationships can also be a vital step and help you take care of your own needs and prioritize your mental and physical health. It’s also important to have things that are just for you- activities, goals, friendships- things that fill you up and keep you going outside of the relationship. Remember, it's okay to take a break from the relationship to care for yourself and seek the help you need.
A: Generally speaking, hearing refers to the act of perceiving sound, while listening refers to the act of paying attention to and understanding the meaning of what is being said. In terms of relationships, hearing can imply a passive reception of words without necessarily processing or acting on their meaning, while listening suggests an active engagement with the speaker and a desire to understand their perspective. Good listening skills are a crucial component of healthy relationships as they promote empathy, understanding, and effective communication.

Sources:

1. Riccio CA, Cohen MJ, Garrison T, Smith B. Auditory processing measures: correlation with neuropsychological measures of attention, memory, and behavior. Child Neuropsychol. 2005 Aug;11(4):363-72. doi: 10.1080/09297040490916956. PMID: 16051564.

2. Riccio, C. A., Hynd, G. W., Cohen, M. J., Hall, J., & Molt, L. (1994). Comorbidity of central auditory processing disorder and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 33(6), 849–857. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004583-199407000-00011

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