Interrupting the Interruption Battles

My husband interrupts me a lot. Well, actually- credit where credit is due- its not nearly as often as it used to be but I feel it intensely when he does. I grew up in a very small, polite, controlled and WASPy home where one person spoke at a time, where you didn’t talk about heated topics like politics, religion or money and where all communication was calm, moderated, and— lets be honest— a little boring.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a large family that LOVES to debate, to get heated and to argue the most difficult political, social and religious controversies. It’s almost all they talk about. Every dinner table conversation involves impassioned speeches, long soliloquies and heated debate (which is really a testament to their love of debate considering they almost always agree).

When I first joined the family, I found these gatherings stressful and I would often excuse myself to the bathroom several times a night just to get a break from the stimulation. On our drives home I would often talk about the “fight” or “argument” that they had. My husband was always quick to correct me- they were not fighting- they were debating. But it felt like fighting to me- their voices were loud, their speech was pressured and they somehow found small details among their general consent to disagree with.

But what often bothered me the most, in those early days, was the interrupting. Occasionally, I would venture to join the fray and share my opinion but I would often get cut off. Coming from my controlled, waspy family, being cut off felt like someone saying that my point or opinion didn’t matter. I would feel chastised and slightly embarrassed and it was close to impossible to get me to share again.

This also happened when it was just my husband and I, but it wasn’t the impassioned debates when it was just us (because, Ill be honest, I don’t really engage with impassioned debates if I can help it) it was the daily topics, stories or shares. My husband would cut me off and share his perspective before I could finish.

This almost always resulted in me feeling hurt, diminished and like my perspective didn’t matter.

I don’t know how many times this pattern had to repeat itself and how many tearful conversations we had to have before we were both able to better understand what the experience was like from the other’s perspective. Because, despite being an ADHD specialist, despite working with the awesome ADHDers I work with each day and despite being married to an awesome ADHDer, as well- I still don’t always see things from that lens. Im still me, walking around and viewing the world from my own perspective and my own brain. So if I get hurt, I don’t always think about what about that person’s brain caused them to hurt me. I just feel hurt.

But the interrupting struggle is real for the ADHD brain.

This is because the ADHD brain struggles to regulate itself. Its actual functions often work perfectly but it has a hard time turning those functions on or off at the right time (among other regulating functions). The impulse or desire to add to a conversation is no different and the ADHD brain struggles to wait its turn. My husband’s family taught him to fully engage in conversation. It taught him to process difficult concepts verbally and it taught him to be generous with his opinions, his time and his attention (to the extent his brain is capable) while talking. His brain, however, has a hard time regulating that passion and engagement. It has a hard time having the thought and not expressing it right away and it struggles to have the thought, hold on to it and still follow the conversation.

So he cuts me off.

It took me a while to really get it. To really understand that his drive to interrupt was not that he didn’t value my opinion- quite the opposite actually, it was that he was so engaged and so energized by what I was saying that he wanted in on the action. His difficulty holding back was a matter of resisting the impulse to join in rather than a desire to have me be quiet.

So when he does interrupt, I have worked to reframe it for myself. I have pushed myself to break through the resistance to shut down and instead tell myself that him cutting me off was a sign of his interest and engagement.

And to his credit as well, he has heard my perspective. He has seen my tears and he has spent enough dinners at my family’s house to dial back his excitement and energy in conversation with me which has helped him be less vulnerable to interrupting. He has also done a lot of work to keep his ADHD symptoms under control: diet, exercise, sleep, meditation and treatment. These all give him greater ability to regulate that wonderful, impassioned brain and hold onto that thought long enough for me to finish mine.

Do you have a hard time keeping yourself from interrupting?

The most important first step is that: taking care of yourself. Giving yourself the sleep, exercise, nutrition and medication that you need to help your brain regulate itself as best as possible.
Next, before an important interaction where it is important that you limit the interruptions (like in conversation with your very sensitive wife) try to take that other perspective and think through how they will feel if interrupted. This isn’t a perfect suggestion that will work all the time but sometimes bringing that awareness into the mind consciously can increase the pressure, cause a little extra adrenaline around the situation and give you the burst of energy you need to stay in check.
Finally, if you do interrupt- own it quickly, honestly, and without too much drama. It’s not the worst thing in the world. You can say something like: “I’m sorry- I got excited and cut you off- what were you saying?” and then let them return to their point.

Try it out. And go ahead- have a conversation with your partner- how do they feel when you interrupt? Do they know what it feels like for you? Fill them in so they can interpret it for what it is- excitement and engagement.

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