An Open Love Letter to My Husband’s ADHD brain

ADHD brains get a bad rap in relationships. All too often, the forgotten tasks, the unbalanced checkbooks, and the interrupted conversations take center stage while the love, energy, and pure heart of our ADHD partners and their brains get short shrift. But most of the time, it’s exactly that fun, energetic, expansive mind that attracted us to our partners, to begin with. So let’s take a moment and celebrate and love on all the beauty of our ADHD partners and their brains.

I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating- my husband is awesome. He brings boundless love, energy, passion, and laughter to our family’s life.

Part of his awesomeness is his love of life, part is his generous heart, and part is his neuro-atypical brain. Sure, I can complain about the open cabinet doors, the socks on the kitchen counter, or the forgotten milk, but you know what?

I don’t love my husband in spite of his ADHD. I love him, in part because of his ADHD.

He brings so much love and joy to our family’s life, and part of that is because of the unique ways in which his brain works.

And it’s easy to take that for granted. It’s easy to see the way his brain rubs up against the demands of our neurotypical world and see the problems. But without his ADHD, my husband (and every other amazing ADHD brain I know) wouldn’t have the same sparkle, joy, and passion that energizes the lives of everyone lucky enough to spend time with him.

So let’s take a break for a moment from talking about the struggle and friction, and let’s celebrate what we love about our ADHD partners and their brains.

I’ll start.

Here are my top 7 favorite things about loving and being loved by that particular ADHD brain.

1. He always makes us laugh

   When my kids were really little, I used to refer to myself as the “captain of comfort” and my husband as the “captain of fun.” I’m great at the cuddles, kissing the skinned knees, and making sure the snacks are packed. But the person that brings the fun, the laughter, the excitement to the house? That’s my husband all the way.

   He’s the one who initiates the dance parties, he builds the biggest, coolest Lego towers, he plays every sport known to man, and when they were little, he would regularly transform an ordinary stroller into a rocket ship headed straight to the moon.

   All this fun and laughter doesn’t just keep us entertained; my husband knows from his own life and his own struggles the power of humor and is teaching our boys (and me, too- though I’m a much slower learner) to laugh ourselves through our own struggles, failures, and foibles as well.
   

2. His love of adventure has added endless joy and passion to all of our lives

   My husband doesn’t like to sit still. His idea of an ideal vacation or weekend is one full of activity, thrill rides, and adventure. At the beginning of our marriage, this was a bit of an issue- we spent many vacations with me lying on a beach, squeezing my eyes shut, pretending to sleep, ignoring his pokes, nudges, and requests to go do something.

   I haven’t totally lost my love of lying around doing little more than turning pages or flipping sides. But I have, grudgingly, at first, joined many of his activities and found I love them too.

   As our boys have gotten older, we’ve come to love this difference in energy levels even more. My kids always have a playmate, and I get to read the next chapter…

3. He’s quick to forgive and forget

   My husband’s ability to forgive is his superpower. And it’s one that has been an endless boon for our marriage. I get mad, and I hold on to it. I fester and remain aloof until enough time has passed for my resentment to begin to thaw. On my own, I can simmer for days…. weeks, really.

   My husband, though? One heartfelt apology and a quick joke, and he is right back to his normal, happy, loving self. He doesn’t hold on to his feelings. Once a fight/ disagreement/ annoyance is resolved, he’s good.

   And you know what? It’s hard to hold onto resentment when the other person has fully recovered. Which means I thaw much faster as a result.

4. He’s quick to apologize

   Having an ADHD brain in our neurotypical world brings you up close and personal with a whole host of moments of visible friction- missed appointments, late papers, and over-drafted accounts.

   All this friction provides for a whole lot of experience with 3 words that the rest of the world (myself included) sometimes have a VERY hard time saying: I am sorry.

   The side effect of an oft-apologizing life?

   Well, for my husband (and many ADHD brains), it means he’s super efficient and effective at it. This has been such an amazing lesson for me. I’ve always struggled with saying I’m sorry, feeling buried beneath mountains of shame that kept me from repairing my harms.

   But after a decade and a half of watching my husband own each misstep with grace and ease, I’m starting to step out from that shame and own my part in things too.
   

5. He teaches me to ease up.

   The combination of my less neuro-atypical brain, linear thinking, and perfectionism can cause me to go, go, go. My goals have goals. When we come home from vacation, I immediately go to unpack the bags. My husband? He wants to sit on the couch, surrounded by a sea of luggage, sports equipment, and toys, and talk about how much fun we just had.

   I may not be always willing or able to join in his reverie, but watching his tendency to savor his experiences and relish in relaxation throughout the day offers a daily challenge- Can I set down the dishes and join the dance party or leave the unpacking for tomorrow so that we can all cuddle in front of the fire and talk about our awesome trip?

   Witnessing his ability to just be inspires me daily to set down my goals from time to time and enjoy my life.

6. His ability to be in the moment.

   We talk about ADHD brains struggling to be present because of the 20 different channels that play in their brain at any given moment. And while that’s true sometimes, ADHD brains (and my husband’s ADHD brain in particular) are also capable of an “in the moment” presence that feels awe-inspiring.

   I see my children blossom when they catch the light of his presence. I feel my own heart open and flourish when that all-on attention is focused my way. Few things feel better than having the full attention of someone you love, and few brains do that hyperfocused presence than an ADHD brain.

7. His endless heart

   Technically, it’s justice sensitivity, and I see the heartaches it brings.

   But I also see the heart.

   I see how my husband (and so many ADHD brains) feel for people. People he’s never known, never met, and had almost nothing in common with. He doesn’t do what so many of us do (myself included)- wall his heart off with ridiculous subconscious rationalizations. He just feels and connects and is inspired each and every day to do good.

   That heart inspires me, my kids, and so many others to connect, feel, and do more good each day.

I may not recognize it every day, but I’m really darn lucky. I get to spend my life with an incredible guy with an incredible brain, and I’m so grateful for all the twists, turns, laughs, and loves that it brings to our lives.

If your partner has ADHD- what do you love about the way their brain works? If you are the partner in your relationship with ADHD- what does your brain’s unique wiring offer your relationship? What are the gifts your ADHD brings?

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