Dealing with Coronavirus and the massive life fallout that is has created has been a very different experience for my ADHD husband and me. For my husband, it has been a daily struggle- to work, to fend off his anxiety, to stay present, and to sleep. For me, it has been tiring and depleting, but provided I get enough sleep, I have been able to remain relatively myself.

What accounts for most of this difference? Am I intrinsically stronger or more resilient?  

NO!  

Not even close- my husband is one of the strongest, smartest, kindest, and most resilient people I know. So, if it's not about our personality, then what is it?

The thing that makes our response different is OUR BRAINS. The ADHD brain and the neurotypical brain process situations, stresses, stimulation, and, yes, anxiety differently.

Why your ADHD Partner is Struggling during the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Missing Filter

For my (somewhat) neurotypical brain, it is relatively easy for me to tune out the stress and anxiety of the current crisis and focus on the task at hand. I am not particularly prone to an overactive fight/flight system, and I have never been one to worry. So I have no strong pull to circle through the worst-case scenarios, and instead, I try to focus on what I can control.

But for my husband- his ADHD brain doesn't give him that luxury. The filter that neurotypical brains have to press mute on irritating stimulation (like that itchy tag on the back of your shirt or the slight hum emanating from a light over your head) doesn't exist in the ADHD brain. 

So, the ADHD brain is continually pounded by the endless anxiety of this situation. The constant drum of uncertainty, fear, and discomfort, therefore, is part of their constant awareness.

Fishbowl Feelings

I often talk about the ADHD brain as being like a fishbowl- it is very aware of everything that is in its particular fishbowl at any given time. Anything else might as well not exist. 

This is true of people, things, activities, and especially feelings. Feelings change the color of the water in the fishbowl, and all of a sudden, everything is filtered by that feeling color.

And when everything in your world is one color? Seeing things without that haze feels like a foreign concept. This makes that feeling seem true, lasting, and ever-present.

So right now, during this crisis, the ADHD brain's fishbowl is colored by anxiety, uncertainty, and stress. No other feelings exist, and everything that it sees is colored by those feelings.

Distraction

One of the ways my neurotypical brain is getting through this time is by putting my head down and focusing on work. Work (and baking) are the calm in the storm for me. It's a universe where I can put in effort and come out with a product. But the reason I can do that is that I can filter out things like my kids playing in the background, the COVID text alerts, and the million other distractions that exist when you work from home.

Because of the fishbowl and the lack of filter, the ADHD brain struggles much more to stay on track. It's constantly attending to whatever is shiniest, newest, or most blaring in front of it. And if you can't focus? Then you can't get absorbed in whatever it is that could give you that sense of power, control, or diversion.

7 Things You Can Do to Help

If you are anything like me, knowing why is just half the battle. I want to know what to do about that why. And because the ADHD brain is more vulnerable to struggle during this time doesn't mean that we, as partners, can't offer some relief and support. 

Here are 7 things you can do today to help your partner as they struggle through this crazy time with this unique brain.

Infographic summary of the things non-ADHD partners can do to help their loved ones during the Coronavirus crisis.

1. Fuel yourself

Back in the days when we used to be able to fly - the airline attendants used to always remind us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before helping others. Never has this been more true. Being a kind, loving, supportive, and understanding rock for your partner to depend on at a time over universal stress and anxiety is going to take some extra oxygen. So prioritize your own self-care- make sure you are getting enough sleep, getting outside, moving your body, and exploring your passions. Fuel your body and mind enough, and you will have plenty to help fuel your partner as well.

2. Don't try to fix it

No one is a bigger offender than me on this one. We are not our partner's therapists (even if you are an actual therapist). We can't be- it's ineffective, weird and complicated (not to mention unethical). 

So, don't try to fix their brain, their anxiety, or the situation. Love them as they work their own way through it.

3. Be the port in their fishbowl storm

When your entire world is overwhelmed by feeling can feel terrifying and unsettling. Be the safe, non-judgmental place they can come to talk through their experience, so they don't have to do it alone. 

4. Help them identify and manage the distractions to their work and pleasure

Try asking them what the main things are that distract them when working- is it the kids, the news notifications, the laundry? Then see if the two of you can problem-solve your way through some strategies for minimizing those distractions. Maybe it's setting up a different room for an office, or perhaps it's a schedule that maximizes the quiet time of the house. Together, I bet the two of you can find some creative strategies to minimize the things that pull them away from that which could absorb them and give them a sense of control.

5. Schedule fun, engaging family activities

Sure, you will have to get a bit more creative these days- but set aside time for you guys, as a couple or the whole family, to do something together- maybe it's trying a new recipe or exploring a new trail, taking a bike ride, or binging on a new Netflix series. Whatever it is- find ways to get absorbed in a fun activity together. But don't just talk about what you should do- plan it- come up with a day and a time that you will do it so you can both count on that connection and distraction.


6. Help them find ways and times to blow off steam

When your system is regularly overrun by anxiety and stress, it is essential to find ways to burn off that extra energy. Everyone does that differently, and these days we have to be extra creative to find these activities. Try brainstorming together and then work out ways/ times that they can count on to burn through that pent-up energy.

7. Support and prioritize their self-care

The thing that is most likely to take a hit, as well as the thing that is most likely to help, when things get tough is self-care- sleep, exercise, nutrition, passion activities. 

You can't make those things better for your partner. But you might be able to strategize ways to support them- like taking the kids in the morning so they can get an extra hour of sleep or finding time in the day, or a space in the house, for them to pursue their hobby. 

Whatever you do, let them know that you value their self-care and want to help them prioritize it.  

We all have an opportunity during this time to learn new lessons, create new strategies and uncover unknown truths that can make us stronger on the others side. I know that dealing with your partner’s anxiety and stress can be overwhelming and draining. But if you join together, against that stress, the two of you can come out of this pandemic being a more unified, connected and powerful team.

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