Why are my feelings so intense?
Emotional flooding and the ADHD Brain
People with ADHD experience emotions differently than neurotypical brains. Because of the unique ways ADHD brains process information and regulate emotions, they're particularly susceptible to emotional flooding - sudden, intense, and overwhelming bursts of feeling. These episodes can lead to reactions that contradict goals, intentions, and values, which is why developing coping mechanisms is essential.
You're sitting at your computer, finally zoned in and focused on that big project you’ve been avoiding for weeks, and your boss walks in. He has some edits from your last proposal. He sits down and hands over your hard-fought 2-page proposal, and each change he details sends your heart sinking further and further. By the time he leaves your office, you’re consumed with shame, and that project you just started moving on? It grinds to a complete halt.
What’s going on?
Your brain is flooded. What was a nice clear, blank slate for hyperfocused productivity is now roiling with shame.
And it’s not just shame that can flood- fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, rejection- even happiness and excitement– they can all flood an ADHD brain.
What’s Emotional Flooding?
Emotional flooding is the term psychologists use for feelings that seem to take over, often in the blink of an eye.
It’s feelings so intense that you can’t tear your brain away from them, and for many people, emotional flooding brings with it a sense of “this is how it always is and will always be.”
Symptoms of Emotional Flooding
When we’re so full of a feeling, it often activates the parts of our brain whose sole purpose is our survival- so it’s not uncommon to have fight/ flight/freeze reactions. Because of this you may experience:
an intense impulse to hurt someone or something
an urge to lash out in rage
a need to escape or hide,
feeling paralyzed and frozen, often unable to talk or think coherently
increased heart rate
rapid breathing
sweating
muscle tension
We don’t get to choose which flight/fight/freeze reaction our body will have, but many of us tend to have one more often than others (me- I’m a fleer, I run and hide and cry, and cry, and cry).
But even once that intense physical effect of emotional flooding has waned, you may find yourself unable to think about anything else, ruminating and circling on what caused the feeling and all your thoughts about it. This rumination can last for hours or days or even weeks, and at times that it’s particularly intense, you may find yourself struggling to turn it off.
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ADHD brains are more likely to feel emotionally flooded. In fact, there’s increasing research and understanding that ADHD is just as much about difficulties regulating attention and energy as it is about difficulties regulating emotions.
Why do ADHD brains struggle with Intense Feelings?
Our brain’s executive functioning system is like a control panel that regulates all of our brain functions—our attention, effort, energy level, etc. I like to think of this system as being like the mixing board at a fancy sound studio—thousands of controls, each operating a different function.
In neurotypical brains, this control panel is full of dimmer switches. Allowing some of this, a little of that, and none of something else. It’s what allows ADHD brains to get that “just right” level of things- just enough attention to get through a meeting at 9 am but still have something left in the tank at 3 pm, just enough energy to complete the research but not fall down the rabbit hole of google scholar.
ADHD brains have just as many switches, but instead of fader switches that allow for that “just right” level, the ADHD brain’s panel is comprised of thousands of on/off switches. This means their natural resting spot, the place where ADHD brains are most comfortable, is in the extremes: all in or all out.
So you’re saying my emotions are either all on or all off?
Well, actually, no.
Emotions aren’t one of the switches on that board, but awareness of emotions is. So your emotions might be building and building, but once they hit a critical point, that awareness switch flips on, and now it’s all your brain can think about.
The two unique aspects of an ADHD brain that lead to emotional flooding:
On/off regulation:
Information and stimulation are constantly bombarding our brains (more on that in a moment), so it takes a lot for the brain to be aware of one thing in particular. This means your emotions have to be pretty intense before the brain starts to take notice.
It’s like all the information inside and around you is a chorus of dogs howling at the moon—your feelings are going to have to screen pretty darn loud to be heard over the melee.
But once they’re heard?
That attention switch is fully on, and because the feelings are so loud, they seem extra important (because your brain translates the volume of the feelings to mean life or death), so that fight/flight/freeze response kicks in.
The Filterless Brain:
The on/off regulation switch isn’t the only part of the ADHD brain that leads to flooding. ADHD brains are also filterless- meaning that they don’t screen out extra details.
So everything — and I mean everything (unless you’re in true hyperfocus) comes into your brain. This barrage of information leads to flooding in 2 ways:
Overstimulation
When our brains have to process all the information all the time, our nervous systems get quickly and easily overloaded, which causes them to feel under attack. This means our baseline is often very near (if not smack dab in the middle of) being overstimulated— which makes us more likely to be triggered by emotions like irritation, frustration, overwhelm, sadness, shame, and rage.
Pile On
Once your brain’s awareness switch is on and honed in on the big, intense feeling, it starts to do what all brains do- it starts to think about all the other times and all the other things that have brought up that feeling before. And here, that filterlessness comes back into play– making your brain less able to sort through all those thoughts, filtering out the irrelevant ones.
The Impact of Emotional Flooding
Emotional flooding can have far-reaching effects on our lives- impacting work, self-esteem, relationships, and our overall mood.
Emotional Flooding and Self-Esteem
Having a brain that’s vulnerable to emotional flooding and its unpredictable impact on productivity, responses, and relationships, in general, makes it hard to trust yourself. You may be any combination of productive, calm, kind, loving, and respectful one moment and then get flooded by emotion the next and suddenly be another combination of distracted, angry, ashamed, rageful, tearful, or embarrassed. And while this is true for anyone– because ADHD brains tend to feel things so much more intensely, these mood changes can be so sudden they can give you whiplash.
And that sudden change in mood often leads to a change in response. And it’s hard to feel good about yourself when you don’t feel like you can trust yourself to respond the way you’d like to.
Emotional flooding in Relationships
The emotional flooding of an ADHD brain can wreak havoc on relationships for two main reasons:
Rapid mood changes- the mood shifts that can occur within seconds in an ADHD brain make it harder to maintain stable relationships. Not only can those mood changes be confusing and distressing to an ADHD partner, but they can feel confusing to an ADHD brain as well. For example, when you’re feeling loved, happy and content in your relationship and then suddenly something triggers a huge shame response, you may pull away and start to fear your partner feels as badly about you as you feel about yourself.
Outsized reactions- Emotional flooding often leads to bigger reactions than the problem that caused it. For example, your partner reminds you to pick up the kids after school, and you spiral into shame, thinking that he doesn’t trust you, and no wonder– you never remember anything. These oversized reactions are painful and often cause real damage to a relationship.
How to handle intense feelings
The cool thing about intense feelings (did I just say that?!? There’s something cool about this?!? ). I did. I said it becuase even though intense emotions come in many different forms- sadness, shame, anger, anxiety, etc- they can all be dealt with in essentially the same way.
1. Get some space
Your brain is convinced that you are in danger- it doesn’t matter that the “danger” is your cousin’s best friend’s snide comment- it just feels like danger. And as long as your cousin is in view, it’s going to be pretty hard to convince it otherwise. So excuse yourself to the bathroom, step outside, ask to get back to the person, whatever gets you out of the situation so your brain can start the process of stemming the emotional tide.
2. Breathe
Once your brain knows it’s out of danger, now (and only now) it can start to walk back the flooding. And the first step to that process is getting your body out of the fight/ flight response it’s in. How do you do that? You breathe. Long, slow, focused breaths. It sounds so simple it shouldn’t work, but it does. Your body can’t fight/flee or freeze if it’s breathing slowly and rhythmically.
So, find your favorite breathing exercise- count to 4 as you inhale, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. Or trace the fingers of one hand, as you go up a finger, breathe in, as you go down a finger, breathe out. Or cue up a youtube video for deep breathing exercises. It doesn’t matter what strategy you use, find one that’s simple for you and go with it.
3. Name the feeling
Once your body has calmed down a bit, it’s time to get your brain back on board. Research shows that simply naming the feeling you are having goes a long way to doing just that. So go ahead and ask yourself, what is this big hard feeling I’m having right now?
4. Ride the feeling
Now your body is calm, your brain is back, but it’s still obsessing about the problem? Totally normal. Now is NOT the time to act. Now is the time to ride it out. Let the feeling pass through you like a tide- it’s already crested, now you need to let it flow by– it may take moments, or it may take days. However, as long as your brain is still obsessing and you’re still feeling upset, your reaction is still vulnerable to not being in line with your original goals and intentions.
5. Reason through and Act
Ok- you did it! Your body and mind are free. The problem is still there, but it’s not haunting you like Marley’s ghost. NOW is the time to reason through the problem and choose an action. NOW is when you can choose an action that aligns with your intentions and will make you proud.
Want a clear, simple, science-based, and ADHD-friendly strategy for managing all the overwhelming emotions of an ADHD brain? Join me for my FREE masterclass- The 5 step framework for Managing emotions with an ADHD brain to learn my signature strategy that has helped thousands of big, passionate, creative ADHD brains get off the ADHD emotional rollercoaster and get back to their lives– FOR GOOD! I can’t wait to see you there!
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