How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

I have someone with an ADHD brain in my life (who will remain nameless) that I love and who is one of the most compassionate, empathic, and forgiving people I know.

All of that is true.

You know what else is true?  This very same person can nurture a grudge for years.  Decades probably.

How can both things exist in the same person?

It’s all about the natural extremes of ADHD brains.  They are both extra good at forgiving (or maybe it’s actually forgetting) but can also have an exceptionally difficult time of it as well.

Why?

It’s all about the ADHD fishbowl brain.  You remember the one-  Where you’re walking around with a fishbowl on your shoulders, and everything in the fishbowl is incredibly present and part of your awareness, but the moment something is plucked out of your fishbowl *poof*, it disappears completely?  

Well, I recently sat down with Penn and Kim Holderness to discuss this exact thing.  The way ADHD fishbowl brains impact forgiveness: check it out here!

***actually- want a little backstage secret?  I didn’t sit with them at all this time- their producer (the midwestern neighbor of their YouTube videos) interviewed me, and they performed a bit of movie magic, splicing me in on the pod itself and the video promos.  

If you’re not in a listening mood right now, save it for later, and I’ll give you the quick rundown:

ADHD Fishbowls and Forgiveness

The ADHD fishbowl brain is the reason you go a week without taking your meds the minute they’ve been put in the drawer. Even though your intention is to take your meds, even though you want to— they help!  You don’t do it because they were plucked right out of your fishbowl and ceased to exist.

But, It’s not just people, things, and tasks that swim in your fishbowl- it’s your emotions too.  In fact, your emotions are like little dye pods dropped in your fishbowl.  So when you get angry or hurt, a little pod of hurt and anger is dropped in and colors everything in your experience that color.  

But the thing about fishbowls is that just as quickly as one feeling can be dropped in and flood your awareness, another can replace it, making the first disappear completely.

And *poof* instant forgiveness (or forgetness).

But the thing is- I only got a chance to talk about one side of the ADHD forgiveness coin with Kim and Penn.  Because, yes, that water can change color pretty quickly in your fishbowl.  But if there’s a reason that the same color dye pod keeps being dropped into your fishbowl over and over– as is the case with my friend I was talking about earlier– that forgiveness can feel excruciatingly out of reach.

This is where some extra tips and tricks come in handy:

Strategies for when Forgiveness doesn’t come easily:

Acknowledge Your Feelings.

When it’s hard to forgive someone that hurt you, often the first step is acknowledging your feelings- seeing the color of the water for what it is: a dye pod that was dropped in that’s coloring your perspective. Acknowledging our feelings and validating them, rather than trying to push them away, allows them to start to loosen their hold and gives us that first, ever so important, first step of rising out of the middle of the feeling and offering compassion.  Letting the feelings be, feeling them fully, and not pushing them away.

Practice Self-Compassion and Acceptance.

When it comes to forgiving someone, it’s also important to practice self-compassion and acceptance. This can be especially crucial for ADHD brains when that water has stayed the same color for a while. Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions, remembering that your anger and resentment is a normal, healthy responses and that the intensity that you are feeling, while painful, is also one of your brain’s powerful tools is an essential tool to staying out of the shame spiral. 

But even if the hurt, pain, rejection, and anger are normal, it’s still painful. So offering yourself compassion and soothing while you feel the feelings are essential.  Things like deep breathing, exercise, hot or cold showers, journaling, and connecting with a friend are all proven strategies for soothing intense emotion, allowing you to start the process of forgiveness.

Reframe Your Thoughts About the Person Who Hurt You.

This is Penn’s magic solution.  One of the things that are hardest about being hurt is that it inserts a power dynamic in a relationship. The person who does the hurting has the power, and the person who is hurt is vulnerable and less powered.  Thinking about the pain and suffering of the person that hurt you, takes them out of the position of power by allowing you to see their pain.  This equalizes that power dynamic and allows you to feel compassion for the other person rather than the anger that is working to protect your vulnerable position.

Once you have reframed the person that hurt you and seen the ways they are hurting too, you make be able to start considering what positive intentions might have motivated the other person as well. Even if it’s hard to identify more compassionate motives, understanding their perspective and giving them the benefit of the doubt can be incredibly healing for both sides. 

Reframe Your Thinking About the Situation. 

Once you’ve established a more balanced perspective on the person that hurt you, it’s time to see if you can reframe the situation.  Take some time to consider the situation from the other person’s perspective, knowing that we all make mistakes and people may hurt us unintentionally. If it's difficult to think positively about them, you can instead choose to focus on things that are unrelated to the person, such as nature, a hobby, or any other activity you enjoy. Reframing your thinking can give you a different perspective and help reduce your urge for revenge.

Let Go of Any Residual Anger or Resentment.

The healing process isn’t a linear journey that always has a clear start and stops.  You may need to return to the person and situation repeatedly to work on more fully forgiving and letting go. That may mean forgiving the person, even if what they did was wrong. Using a practice of mindful self-compassion, actively focusing on allowing those emotions to flow out of your body without judgment, can help in this process. It can be particularly powerful to utilize visualization techniques in this process, like imagining the pain dissipating and being replaced with feelings of compassion, love, and forgiveness. It’s also very useful to imagine yourself in a healthier emotional state -- one that no longer holds onto feelings of bitterness and feels strong and free.

Do you find it easier or harder to forgive?  What tricks do you use to help you through?

Want to know more about thriving with ADHD? Check out these other articles:

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