How to Stop Blowing up at your Kids
(And how to fix it when you do)
One of my starkest parenting memories is the day that I yelled. I'm not talking about the garden variety "pick up your toys" or a "come here right now" kind of a yell- those are much too frequent to create stark memories. This was an I'm-so-frustrated-I-can't-take-it-anymore, top of the lungs, no words included kind of wild, crazy yell. It was so big and so loud, it drowned out my tears,made everyone scream in return and sent my ever-faithful dog sprinting to my side, sure I was mortally wounded.
I honestly don't even know what made me so mad. I only remember that both of my kids were crying, whining, and probably fighting. I also remember that the yell terrified us all.
Of course, at the moment, I felt like the worst mother on the planet.
But, really? I was probably just tired, overwhelmed, and at the end of my rope. And I know I'm not alone.
Parenting can put us over the edge. These perfect little humans are our everything, and when they act out, it makes our everything feel unmanageable.
So you may be trying to answer emails on your phone while the kids are bickering in the background and then seemingly, without warning, you are absolutely fed up and yelling. None of you foresaw that switch being flipped, it just suddenly turned over, and now you are furious.
What is there to do? Are all ADHD parents destined to a life of blow-ups and regret?
No. Well, sort of no. Because ADHD parents are parents and are as human as anyone else- so there will be blow-ups, there will be tears, and there will be regret. But there are also 3 places along that path of ignoring, blowing up and guilt and shame to intervene and bring some peace to your home.
Intervention Stop #1: The Build Up
The build-up happens as kids get out of balance- when they get tired, cranky, lonely, bored, hungry, or feel unattended to. So keeping the build-up of anger from happening requires being on top of the little things that send their systems out of balance. I'll be honest. This is the hardest place for the ADHD brain to intervene because it requires a combination of attention, consistency, and routine (AAACKKK! – I know- those dreadful words!). But let's back up a moment and break it down. The 2 main things that can do to avoid the build-up are:
Pay attention the signals your kids are giving you.
Looking for signals that they are starting to get out of balance like: energy shifts (increasing lethargy or a sudden burst of energy), whining, complaining, sadness, wistfulness, beginnings of fights, annoyed or angry tones
When you see one of those signals- it’s a time to stop whatever you are doing and address the need before it builds
Set routines to manage the things that get kids out of balance: sleep, food, attention, exercise.
Setting routines for those things erases the vast majority of the build up because the routine assures those needs are met.
Creating routines is tricky with and ADHD, though, so be sure to check out the ADDept routine builder workbook for a step-by-step, ADHD-friendly process for creating (and keeping) routines that work.
Intervention Stop #2: The Blow Up
This is where the STOPP method comes in super handy. Finding the way to take space from it all to calm your system so that you can think clearly is the ticket out of a meltdown.
Stage 3: The Repair
You missed the warning signs, and you couldn't STOPP before the blow-up. That's okay. It happens.
You don't have to succumb to the wall of regret and shame because this is the 3rd place to intervene. And honestly, this is a great one- this is the one that teaches, from example (the best way to teach) that it is okay to mess up, that it is essential to take responsibility for our mistakes and what a good apology looks and feels like.
This is key- we feel so much shame when these blow-ups happen. Sometimes that shame can lead to hiding. But this is a critical lesson for our kids to learn and if you were perfect and never once blew up or hurt them or made a mistake how would they ever learn the power and the beauty of a good, heartfelt apology and repair?
So don’t hide. Lead by example and show them what it looks like to take responsibility for your actions, to apologize for your piece in something while allowing space for their feelings and then move on.
Kids learn and benefit from your example at each one of these stages. Of course, we want to minimize the frustration building, the bad behavior, and the blow-ups, but the repair lesson is critical too. So examples at each stage are crucial to their development.
And so, after my great big, end-of-my-rope yell, I apologized as quickly as I could. Then, later that night, as I put my oldest to bed, when we had both cooled down and has some quiet time together, I said: "I am sorry I got so frustrated earlier today. You didn't deserve that. Mommy should have stepped away and calmed down before I yelled. How did my yelling make you feel?" After telling me about how scared and nervous he felt, I said: “Yeah- I bet- it was a kind of scary thing to do. Im really sorry I did something that made you feel so bad.”
That process can be hard. I still felt really bad about the whole thing. But the reward? The sweet warm, little-boy hug and kiss I got in return as he looked in my tearful eyes and said: "It's okay Mommy, I love you."
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