Asking for Help for ADHD

What works, when it works, and how to get okay asking for it.

About 10 years ago, after a long day of seeing clients, I was talking with a friend at work and was suddenly overtaken by shooting pain. It burned up my back, down my leg, and felt like my entire pelvis had burst into flames.

The next day, I got it again. But this time it started a little earlier. The day after, it began soon after lunch. And each time it left me in tears.

As the days passed and the pain continued, I started to notice a pattern- it was always worse on the days that I sat the most. This was a problem. I’m a therapist, and at the time, I was working in a college counseling center, seeing 7-8 client’s a day, and seated in a chair all day long.

There I was, with a body that screamed when I sat down, and a job that required me to sit—very, very still— constantly. I was at a loss. What was I supposed to do? Find a new career? I had just finished a decade of training for this one, and I loved it.

I Tried Everything

I won’t bore you with the details of what ensued, but suffice it to say there were endless doctor appointments, herbal remedies, physical therapy, hopes dashed and expectations shattered. I gritted my teeth through pain-filled, work days and cried in my husband’s arms at night. 

I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. After the tears, hopelessness, and rage, I started to get creative.

I got a stand-up desk, negotiated for fewer client hours and different roles, bought a new chair, applied for FMLA, and eventually, I cut my hours at that job down to part-time. I started teaching (something I could do standing up). I started doing all of my supervision and meetings either walking or standing. I took exercise breaks and exercise lunches. 

The more I moved, the better I felt.

Fast forward to today:

I’ve created a schedule and job that works for my body while also allowing me to do what I love. I never see more than 2 people in a row. I schedule exercise breaks; I do walking sessions and sit on heating pads. Sometimes, this means I can’t give my clients what they want. Sometimes it means that if someone needs a particular time, they have to walk with me or do a phone session instead of a video session. It almost always means I have to ask for what I need (not something that therapists typically do).

But you know what? It’s almost always ok. It used to feel awkward, and guilty that I wasn’t doing what I was “supposed to do.” But these days, I do it without a second thought.  

My physical limitations are part of my package. I have a lot of things to offer people. But, to access that, people have to accommodate some of my quirks/ liabilities/ weaknesses (or whichever term you prefer). I own that. 

What I’ve learned through this journey is that most people are happy to work with me on what I need because they value what I can bring to them. This is not something I knew at the beginning- I had to ask for what I needed before I really felt I was worth it. It took a leap of faith, spurred by necessity in order to get there.

It also took hearing no. It took continuing to ask for what I needed even though not everyone is willing to pay the price.

That’s ok. I’m not for everybody.

But when I own what I can offer as well as what I need and I stop pretending that I can be everything for everybody, I allow people to make the choice that works for them. And I have found that this has a freeing and empowering effect on both of us.

The power of asking for help for ADHD

It’s easy to feel like you shouldn’t ask for help when you have an ADHD brain, particularly if you received your diagnosis as an adult. So many adult-diagnosed ADHD brains have spent a lifetime trying to cover over their symptoms and blend in.

Asking for help, asking for what you need- it’s the opposite. It’s standing out and standing up. It’s saying- hey, these are the things that help me. I’m worth these things and I’d love for you to help me so I can bring out my very best.

Because you know what? You deserve to stand out and stand up. There is so much you and your brain offer the world and if offering support, structure or some other accommodation helps you bring it out- you know what? That is a price we are very happy to pay.

My challenge for you.

Own what works for you. Own the places where you need a hand. Own what you offer and what you have to give the world. Own what you need in order to give it to your fullest extent.

Maybe it’s someone telling me where to turn while driving; maybe it’s an alternate schedule at work; maybe it’s smaller, more frequent assignments at school, or maybe it’s frequent check-ins from friends. What struggles do you have? How can someone help you with them? Here is a list of possible “asks” to get your creative juices flowing:

Permission to stand/ walk or fidget The freedom to move while concentrating can make it easier to stay on task

Stand-up/ treadmill desks facilitate focus and add movement into your day

Email windows Time blocks in your day which are when you will be available to respond to emails/ texts/ slack messages etc in order to reduce distraction throughout the day

Focus windows Setting aside particular times of day that are your best times for deep focus work where you have minimal availability (ie: an hour in your day when you put your phone on do not disturb and only emergencies are able to get through)

Altered schedules There is nothing magical about 9-5. A schedule that works best for your individual time clock is one that will open up greater productivity. Night owls are better off working a later shift- i.e., 11-7; early birds do best from 7-3)

Allow the world the opportunity to help you bring your unique gifts

You bring so much beauty to this world: Your big picture brain, your fun, enthusiastic spirit, your humor, your open heart, and your creativity. The world needs and wants that which is so uniquely you. We know it doesn’t come for free and you know what? We are happy to pay the price; we just have to know what it is.  

So, speak up. Own your strength and ask for what you need to bring it out, without guilt and without shame. If the price is too high for some- ok, then they don’t get your beauty. But, for most, that price will only make the unique genius that is you that much sweeter.

What do you offer? 

What accommodations can you ask from others to bring out those offerings?

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

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