Can you deal with Failure without Anger?

I can't tell you how many times I have asked my husband if he's mad at me after he screws up. And no- that's not a typo- I didn't mean to say I check in after I mess up. Though yes- that probably happens too. But I also ask after he screws up. You know why? 

Because he seems pretty darn mad off after he makes a mistake. (And so do I- I just don’t have to be on the receiving end of my own failure-induced anger.)

Because that's what happens- right? We get angry when we mess up, when we make a mistake and when we fail. Sure- that anger is usually at ourselves, and it often takes a sad or hopeless kind of tone- but it's anger nonetheless.

Why am I such a failure?

How often have you heard that pass through your head during these times? It's a common refrain for ADHD brains. NOT because ADHD brains are doomed to fail all the time (you wouldn't call Michael Phelps, Justin Timberlake, Bill Gates, or Walt Disney failures- all beautiful ADHD brains- would you?). But because ADHD brains are sensitive to the failure we all experience as human beings- they feel it more intensely.

What makes an ADHD brain sensitive to failure?

Growing up in a neurotypical world with an ADHD brain is frustrating. The world (particularly our early academic world) is set up for brains motivated differently than an ADHD brain. And it makes it hard to succeed in the way that others do. Even if you're able to push through and create a product that others celebrate, it often takes so much effort and pain that it sometimes feels like it doesn't even count.

But it's not just a history of not meeting other people's expectations that leads the ADHD brain to be sensitive to failure. 

It's also the ADHD brain's tendency to struggle to meet its own expectations and intentions. Because ADHD brains struggle with consistency- it's hard to set an intention and stick to it. And the disappointment of repeatedly failing to meet your own intentions? 

That's frustrating (to say the least).

Why do I get so angry at myself?

This history of failed intentions and missed expectations, plus the ADHD brain's tendency to feel things full force makes it extra sensitive to failure. 

But why does that lead to anger?

To understand this- we need to imagine back- back thousands of years, back to a time when our greatest concern was survival- getting dinner and not being someone else's dinner. Back then, mistakes weren't just bad; they were fatal. And we needed not to make them. And if somehow we managed to escape from a mistake alive, we needed to be sure not to do it again because we weren't likely to be that lucky twice.

And what's our brain's tool to commit something to memory? Emotion. But not just any emotion- it has to be a strong, action-oriented emotion: like anger. Anger has energy. Anger leads to action.  

So our brains see the danger; they want to be sure we don't experience that again, so it gets angry. 

And ADHD brains don't just get a little angry- they go all in and get really, really angry.

How to deal with failure:

You're going to screw up. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to fail. So am I. So is the person sitting next to you. It's bound to happen, so how do you handle it?

1.  Give yourself space:  

Whenever we're flooded by emotion, we want to give ourselves space- not just from the thing that triggered the feeling but from other people.  Give yourself the freedom to feel the feeling without running the risk of hurting those around you (or hurting yourself, for that matter).

2. Calm your system:  

Once you've got some space, it's time to calm down your nervous system. When we get angry, our bodies prep themselves to face down an (only now, metaphoric) tiger that's out to get us. Our heart races, our breathing gets shallow, and our frontal lobe (the thinking part of our brain) shuts down. So take some deep breaths, try meditation, take a walk- anything to soothe that system and bring your brain back online.

3. Shift your mindset:  

The only way to assure you don't fail is never to do anything that challenges yourself. If you stay comfortable, never pushing yourself to do new things, you're likely to succeed. But you're also going to just keep doing the same thing over and over again- not growing or learning anything new. So, failure? It's a sign of courage, a sign of pushing yourself, and a sign that you expanded your horizons. THAT is true success.

Now, that's not to say we embrace failure and keep on doing what we're doing. No- use that failure as data. Data that says – you pushed yourself but maybe next time you need to change your approach a bit.  When a scientist does an experiment and doesn't get the results they expected- do they call it a failure? No. 

They see it as data- that set of variables didn't produce the result- why? What slight change might lead to a different result? When you detach yourself from seeing each failure as meaning something about who you are and what you can do and instead see it as data for what actions work and what doesn't- that gives you power.

So next time you mess up: 

Give yourself a break- take some space, feel the feeling, calm down your nervous system, and then commend yourself on your courage. You deserve it.

Want a step-by-step process for handling your failure, anger, and all those other intense emotions? Check out my brand-new live FREE online workshop: It’s not just pills and planners: The 3 secrets to mastering your emotions for full ADHD success

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